Overdid it.
Less is more.
Nothing should be seriously off from the rough stage.
You are the most forgiving viewer of your own work. If something already looks wrong to you, it will probably look awful to anyone less attached to it.
Portrait aesthetics lives and dies by proportion.
If the proportions are off, nothing can save it.
Do not shade it unless you are absolutely sure everything is in the right place.
Strangely, the unshaded second pass looks better to me.
When that happens, something went wrong: the shading did not reveal the form. It buried the drawing.